Why Bother With The Butter?

Look at this. Admittedly I like my butter. But when it comes to applying butter to my toast it's safe to say nothing brings me more anxiety than spreading dairy on my grain.

Fresh Stress

Okay already. I get it. I'm supposed to eat fresh fruits and vegetables. I've seen that pyramid. I heard my mom. But no one tells you what happens when you grow up: You have to buy perishables and consume them before they go bad.

What happens to us is we buy perishables, then stare at them for a week because they are too demanding to cook, or, in the case of grapejellykelly, they are so damn co-dependent.

"I'm gonna die if you don't consume me."-- That's what they are saying to us from their drawer.

Commitment causes anxiety. Just knowing that you have to eat a specific food by a certain date... that's enough for a xanax.

Fresh foods equals fresh anxiety!

Membership Rewards and Club Cards

What's with the idea that if you fill out a free piece of paper at your local grocery/drugstore they will let you get the "discount price"?

Why not just give the discount price to anyone nice enough to shop at your store?

I'll tell you why! Because the grocery store and drugstore chains are united in providing all of us a reason to get anxious on top of the anxiety of spending money that we don't have!

Aren't they great?

Tupperware Is Not A Party

In fact, it's a no-fun zone.

Look at this picture! Does that look like a hat to you? Of course it does. That's because no matter what I do to retain matching tops and bottoms of tupperware, I can NEVER, and I mean NEVER find a suitable pair.

Life would never be this complicated without tupperware.

Thank the anxious bejesus that invented this product. Without it you'd store and transport food anxiety free. God forbid!

Banana Hanger

Right. You thought your bananas were anxiety-free. Now you and I have something to worry about until we can get to the store and purchase the essential banana hanger.

Popcorn Does It

Eating popcorn is a sure fire way to stress yourself out. Loads of reasons why, so I'll try and be brief.

1) It's so good you can never get enough in your mouth at once. It's true, it causes anxiety knowing only three or four pieces will ever fit at once, and that is three or four less than you want shoved in there.

2) Sharing a bowl of popcorn, see item #1. Now you face this problem with a witness to your animalistic eating habits. With kernel after kernel slipping from your lips, the flush of anxiety will hit your face early on.

3) The popcorn is gone, and inevitably you will be unsatisfied.

Oh the delicious taste of anxiety.

Jelly Belly

Yowzers! Jelly Belly alarm sounding!

We all know that Jelly Belly makes a delicious jelly bean. A flavour explosion in your mouth that no other candy maker can claim.

They sell bags of single flavoured beans, and they also offer a mixed bag of jelly beans. Eaten singularly, the beans could be lovely. However, once you place an unlabeled yellow bean on your tongue then mix it with anything else unlabeled, I guarantee you the flavor will be barf.

Take your time... don't rush. What you think is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich jelly bean combo is actually pinacoladabarf.

Try again. I dare you.

Of course, you'll be safer this time by selecting perhaps an off white bean + a white bean. This combo will likely result in the flavour of breastmilk.

If you dare try again, you will wish you were more anxious than you are already.

The Life and Times of Your Parmesan Tub

One thing we all know is certain-- Any tub of parmesan cheese is too large a tub. Yes, you could get the chunk, and grate it yourself, but then you'd be risking a close call with your knuckles. I never advise anyone use a grater.

The problem with The Tub is life span. You'll never live long enough to eat all that cheese. You'll buy that green shaker and years later after moving in with your loved one (subject of a future post) you'll be faced with the decision of whether or not the time has come to toss it. Does parmesan cheese go bad? Babe, smell this...

Decisions. Oh, I can feel my heart racing already.

If your day has been relatively anxious-free, here's the doozey: Go buy yourself a tub of parmesan from the fresh foods section. It's a clear plastic container filled with slightly larger grounds. I promise you, in one week, babe-- you'll be stressing!

Why hello there, anxiety.

Kitchen Garbage, eww.

We gotta talk.

Very few things cause such painful levels of anxiety as does the kitchen garbage. If you don't know what I'm talking about, perhaps you should find somewhere else to spend the next thirty seconds.

Garbage in the kitchen is... eww. I don't know what more to say. Mine is under the sink, behind a closed cabinet. As much as I try to control its grossness, it's still garbage, near my food, in my kitchen.

This my friends, is foolproof. If you think you have a reason to sleep soundly tonight, think again.

Coffee Cozies

Coffee cozies, not to be confused with beer cozies...

Why coffee cozies? It gives me anxiety for so many reasons: environment drama, slip factor, all the advertising...

All I think is, hey, don't make the coffee so hot. Then I wouldn't need a cozy for my cup.

Reason for this post? Because seeing the cozy on my cup makes me anxious over exactly how hot my coffee truly is.

Now that's what I call a morning cup of anxiety!